It's MY Life I Envy Now

I used to look at friends who had babies or were pregnant, and I wanted their lives. But something really weird has happened lately. Lately, I want my life.

I go to a friend's house for dinner and her son poops in the bathtub, and I want my life.

I listen to another friend's baby scream for the spoon at the dinner table, at the top of his little lungs, becuase he wants to hold it himself, and I want my life.

I listen to a friend talk about the discomfort of pregnancy, and I want my life.

Maybe it would all be different if I didn't need to self-protect, if I really thought we could have a baby if ew wanted one. But I don't think we can, and suddenly DH and I are filled with so much doubt that we don't know if we want to finish treatment. Is it worth it, the shots and the retrieval and the uncertainty? Suddenly sleeping in and travelling abroad and dinner in nice restaurants doesn't seem like such a death sentence.

Maybe some of it is that the people that have stood by me through the struggle of infertility, with kids or no, have shown me something important. That I'm good enough the way I am. I fought for a long time with the feelings of rejection, of failure, that came from not being invited on things I could participate in, because I wasn't a mom. Feeling on the outside by people who saw me on the outside, caring about getting in, without thinking about whether I really wanted what I'd get.

But my friends who never do that, who let me see their kids (who are, frankly, absolutely adorable!) poop in the bath and scream at the dinner table, they've shown me something not only about parenthood and friendship, but something about myself I'd lost sight of. That my life is already full and rich and complete. Not only is that starting to feel like enough, I'm starting to feel like parenthood means giving that up. And I don't know if I want to.

But if I ever a mom, I hope I can be like them. :-) Pardon my language, but they're fuckin' rock stars.