You Have GOT to be Kidding Me

I was feeling pretty good until a couple days ago. Then the true me, the Type-A me, took over again. I started to obsesses about how it's already worked or it's already failed, and I just don't know. So I'm freaking out, and it's amazing and distressing how familiar it is. The funny thing is, my automatic reaction is that I'm not doing THIS again anytime soon! If this doesn't work, I'm ready for long swims and tall glasses of wine and my vacation on the beach! So I'll be calling again for another extension on our contract...

But part of my freak out is also becuase not one, but TWO friends this week called to tell me they're pregnant. I so appreciate that people do this, and I so hate how it feels when they do. The feeling has gone away, but resurged this week. What I feel like is a loser. Like, "Yeah, I wanted that two years ago, and here I am in the exact same situation only $30,000 poorer and 24 eggs shorter. But hey--don't feel bad--it's not your fault."

And it's not their fault, and I don't blame them, and I love them for loving me enough to tell me. And I just have to remind myself--I'm almost done. And the life I get if it doesn't work? I like that life. I spent $30,000 not to have a child, but to try to have a child.

But still. Karma could have been kinder to me this week.