Spring Cleaning

I'm between jobs, with a few days off, and the weather's been nice. So it seems like the right time to start some spring cleaning. You know--dust off the baseboard and moulding, rearrange the closets, wash the curtains.

My garage is in pretty good shape, except that draped under sheets is a whole mess of baby stuff some friends generously gave us about a year and a half ago. A couple strollers, a bouncy chair thing--that kind of stuff. Stuff that feels super useful when you've got a baby, but is just hogging valuable space in my garage in the meantime.

I also have a book a friend lent me about two years ago, about a woman who had trouble conceiving but eventually had children. I used to tell myself, "I'll give this book back when I get pregnant." I dreamed of attaching a cheerful note that said something like, "Thanks for the inspiration. We knew that if we just kept at it long enough, our turn would come. Thankfully, it's here!" I put the book in the closet that was going to be the baby's closet, if we ever had a baby. But I cleaned out that closet the other day, because DH and I have been unnecessarily cramming all our stuff into one small closet this whole time, preserving valuable space for a person who doesn't exist, and it could be put to better use.

So it's time to get rid of the book. Do I send it back, without the note? Do I keep holding out in the hope that someday, I'll write it? And what if we don't have kids at all? Do I return the strollers and bouncy chair? Do I ever admit out loud, "Thanks, but we don't need these things. We're not going to have kids."

I don't have to decide now. Maybe I don't have to decide ever. Leaving those things sitting in my garage doesn't make them any less wasted than they already are. Our friends don't need these items back. These things will not determine for us whether we have children.

And I know that one spring, when the air is losing its chill and is fresh and cool and pure, when the sun begins to shine and my rosebushes start to sprout little red leaves and children are playing in the park across the street, I will clean those things out of my garage. Maybe it will be because my kids have outgrown them. Maybe it will be because we're never going to use them. One spring, I'll know. But not this spring.