No, I'm Not Dead

I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged. But it's for good reason. I have good news--I am no longer struggling with infertility.

Don't get too excited! I'm not PREGNANT. I mean, that's how I always thought it would end, with the successful completion of treatment. But now I see there's something successful just about getting through the harrowing process at all.

Which I haven't. But I never believed in a pause in the struggle--these "breaks" I heard other women talk about. I just told myself, "get it over with get it over with get it over with." Get pregnant get pregnant get pregnant. Have a baby have a baby have a baby.

But then. But then you get pushed to a place that's so painful, so acute, that your mind and body--at least mine--say "No. No. You are not going to do this anymore."

So I'm not.

I'm me again. I don't lay in bed with the weight of the pain and panic of infertility heavy on my chest, crushing me. I don't cry every time I talk about what treatment is like. It doesn't hurt each time I see a friend who is pregnant, or hold a baby. Okay, lots of times it still hurts. But not every time, and I've learned to distinguish the pain of failure and being left behind--a real pain, that I'm really struggling with--from the pain of being childless, which actually has very little to do with it. Being a mom is no longer the most important thing.

Not to say that it's over. It's not over. But it's a pregnant pause. Okay, pun intended. The point is, I made a decision that I couldn't keep doing this to myself, and I'm not, and I feel better. (It probably helps that I'm not confused by fertility drugs.) I'm starting to feel unsure whether having kids is the right thing at all. And I'm feeling positive about where my life is headed--I'm starting a new, promising job soon, I love my husband, I've taken all kinds of short vacations and mini-breaks and spent time with some amazing friends lately.

Like the other night: I was having dinner with another couple who have struggled with infertility without success, and for the first time, we were talking about how great it is to not have kids--how much fun we were having as individuals and as couples, exploring things we wouldn't have the freedom to explore if we had the responsibility of children. It's nothing personal to people who do. Trust me, I'd rather be in your position. But if I'm not going to get to be, and that looks possible, at least I'm learning how to make the best of where I'm at. It isn't all bad.