How to Tell an Infertile Person You're Pregnant

In the course of infertility, a lot of people I know have gotten pregnant. A lot. Enough that you'd think I'd be used to it, that it wouldn't hurt. But it does. Again, not that they're pregnant. But as a painful reminder that I'm not.

Some people are better at sharing the good news than others. The worst was the friend who didn't bother to tell me at all--the one I learned about on Facebook, days after my miscarriage, when what I'd buried under a rosebush still felt like a whole, true, real, complete person. The best happened just a few days ago.

Granted, I can't help but wonder if it's getting easier because I'm more used to being infertile, or because I'm not on drugs anymore, or what. And it was on email, so I didn't have to smile if I didn't feel like it. (Only I did feel like it, so that wouldn't have been a problem.)

What my friend said is, "I'm pregnant! It's exciting!" And then she said, "The fact that you aren't pregnant, after everything you've been through, totally sucks. And I really admire you for being so strong."

I guess it was the last sentence that makes the difference. Call me egotistical, but it feels good to hear, "You're so strong to have come through all this," instead of "I feel so sorry for you that you've come through all this." Maybe it's semantics, but it mattered to me. I'm tired of being pitied. It's nice to feel admired. And actually, it makes me feel stronger. Those are the gifts women give each other, babies or no.