All the Symptoms...None of the Joy

So DH and I spent a night in San Francisco over the weekend. It was great. We walked around our old neighborhood, ate at favorite restaurants, went running on the beach.

At dinner we had a major breakthrough: we talked about child free living. As in, we may do it. As in finally, finally, we may be pushed to the point that we're willing to accept defeat. That infertility may get the best of us.

Or perhaps, just that it isn't worth it. That there's something to be said for just learning to be happy for the things that made us happy before this big ugly mess.

With our first IVF, we were so far apart. We fought and suffered and tried to understand each other but didn't. But this time, we were just in love, tender and thoughtful as we comforted and appreciated one another. A couple facing a challenge, facing it together, knowing that no matter what happens--we have each other. We'll be okay. Maybe life's joys and journeys will be different than we expected. But we know that this is not the end of joy. If anything, maybe letting go of this dream means we'll get joy BACK, joy that feels lost right now.

We talked about this over dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, realizing if we had kids, there's no way we'd be there at 9:30 at night (we would have had to take the only other reservation time the restaurant every seems to offer--5:30). We took two hours to eat, and we ate too much, and we spent too much, and drank wine. It was lovely.

And then we went back to the hotel, and I got violently ill for no apparent reason. I threw up my entire dinner. And I couldn't help but think, "pregnancy symptoms, but not pregnant. Great."

So maybe we're not done yet. But soon.