What's There to Be Scared Of?

When I moved to London for a year abroad in college 10 years ago, a friend of mine asked me, "Aren't you SCARED?"

It was a strange question to me. What was there to be scared of? Soggy food? Bad teeth?Pubs closing at 11? C'mon--these people speak English--could it get any easier going abroad?

But she couldn't relate. She thought it was brave, brash almost, to hop on a plane at 20 and get off in the hustle and bustle of black-snotted London (gotta love the diesel!). To me, it was an adventure.

I find myself on the other side of that equation now, as I get ready to move forward with more fertility treatment. I talked to a friend recently who did several treatments before one was successful. She had two chemical pregnancies. And it was clear from talking to her that she never, not for a moment, doubted that she was going to get pregnant. No fear.

I don't get it. Because here I am worrying that my blastocysts are all mutants, that pregnancy is almost beyond my reach and achieving it will only happen by a desperate, last ditch grab. Maybe some of it is not having that fierce determination I hear in other women to get pregnant. One woman wrote on a fertility forum that she got through the challenges of fertility treatment and miscarriage by telling herself, "NOT having a baby is not an option."

Perhaps I too easily resign myself. Because for me, it is. I don't have any problem with adopting, even though I know I wont' be ready for that for awhile. I can't help but wonder if my confidence has melted away with my resolve.