More D.F.L.: Is That Possible?

It seems like there should be a limit on how much d.f.l. any one person should have. Of course, in considering this possibility, it helps if I have tunnel vision. It helps to forget all the advantages I was born into, the luck I always took for granted.

But let's just say, in the scheme of my life, that infertility is in itself my d.f.l. Then how is that I also have the d.f.l. to have a beautiful looking embryo that also happens, by chance, to be chromosomally abnormal, while all the rest are fine? At this point, that seems to be the doctor's primary suspicion.

Of course, that's the preference here, that this is one unusual event, not significant of a larger problem. But at the same time, a larger problem would give this a reason. This seems like insult to injury--you just can't have it because you can't, you just have to lose because you have to. When I asked Doctor G yesterday what he would do differently in another fresh cycle, he said, "Nothing." Normally, they tweak your drugs or run more tests or do SOMETHING. But everything went the way it was supposed to, as far as anyone could tell. I even got pregnant. I just don't get to actually have a baby.

A friend, trying to encourage me, told me this would make me a better person. And I wanted to ask her, "Aren't I good enough already? After the things I've learned from two years of infertility? You got pregnant right away--does that mean YOU don't need to be a better person, but I do?" It's easier, maybe, to let it go, to let it be what I hope it is: more d.f.l.