In Case You Didn't Know...You've Had a Miscarriage

I went in for my final blood test today. (I try not to think about the fact that in the last two weeks, I've spent $200 on pregnancy tests.) The waiting room was full and one of the people who was in it was the woman who'd had egg retrieval the same day as me, the one I heard, all loopy from the drugs. But she looked happy, which tells me she was probably pregnant, because why else would she be in on a Saturday except to get another beta?

And it isn't right and it isn't nice,but I felt like, what the hell have I been doing staying in shape and getting acupucture and eating organic? Because it apparently has nothing to do with actually getting pregnant, since looking at her I realized I could have been overweight and unhealthy and possibly achieved a better result. I know--it's not a nice thought, but try to imagine why you'd have it after two years of trying wheatgrass powder and maca root and vitex, all of which taste like armpit. Statistically, one of us was going to get pregnant--and well, it wasn't me, despite all my ridiculous and expensive efforts.

Well, that's not exactly true. I did get pregnant. But when I went in today, I knew I wasn't anymore. They didn't call me until about 6 hours after I went in, and I already knew the news wasn't going to be good (like DH said--you can find anything on the internet, and I hadn't found anyone with numbers as low as mine who stayed pregnant, so it was a pretty good indicator).

Nurse R called me to deliver the news. I've talked to her before (she's not my regular nurse), and I'd thought she was a little melodramatic. This time confirmed the impression. I felt like she wanted me to be hysterical. (She should have seen me last week, when I was bawling my eyes out with my head buried in my nurse's chest, a la Police Academy.) She made a point of saying, "You've had a miscarriage. We know how hard that is. It's a baby. You've probably chosen names and everything. You've lost your baby."

As if I didn't feel bad enough knowing that my 0ffspring was coming out onto a maxi pad. I seriously just felt like this woman was trying to work me up into an emotional frenzy, which is easy enough to do. I started to wonder if she was some kind of deranged psychopath, who derived pleasure from making other people feel like they'd actually killed a baby. In a way, it actually made me feel better. At least I'm not as crazy as that lady.