You Can't Laugh All The Time, Right?

Even when laughing is the whole point, it just won't happen every day.

Like when you find out that yes, you really are kind of pregnant, but no, you are not actually going to give birth to a baby as a result. I took a home pregnancy test yesterday and it was negative, and I knew that if my hormones were doing what they were supposed to, it should be positive (it had been positive the day before). So I went into the clinic, had my blood drawn, and discovered that while my HCG had risen somewhat, it was still way below where it should be. Low beta, slow to rise: there's no question it's not a viable pregnancy. (I'm not posting the actual numbers because I don't want to discourage women like me, who are avidly searching the internet to see if there is any hope. Suffice it to say that in my case, the answers is pretty clearly "no.") Although cruely, the clinic is making me wait 8 more days, to test again, even though the doctor isn't "very hopeful" and my nurse coordinator calls it a "bad pregnancy." We're kidding no one here, yet I still have to get those daily shots in the butt, and I still don't get to have a glass of wine with my dinner. Not supposed to exercise, either, but I have to do something to restore a little sanity.

Before I started this process, I was hopeful--even confident--that it would work. I was still imposing that "it happens because you deserve it to happen" value onto it. I don't know what it will take to get it through my thick head that it doesn't go that way. So will I ever get pregnant? Well, technically, I am. Will I ever have a baby? I really don't know.