Sixteen Candles...I Mean Follicles

Today was my "baseline" appointment. I didn't really know what this meant, but yesterday my acupuncturist cleared it up for me: the doctor was going to look to see how many follicles I had. She told me that 15 would be a good number--not too many (overstimulation can apparently be a real bitch), but not too few, either.

I must admit I hadn't taken the time to learn all the details of IVF and IVF meds, and I'd assumed that the stimulation drugs caused me to produce more follicles than in a normal cycle. Since I haven't started those meds yet, I assumed I didn't have any follicles yet. But it turns out the number of follicles you get is determined by the whims of your own body, and then the drugs cause all those follicles to mature so you actually get ripe eggs. At least that's how I think it works.

In any case, I realized from talking to the acupuncturist that I was about to find out, more or less, the absolute maximum number of petri dish babies I am going to be able to get. Not all follicles will necessarily beget eggs, I realize, and not all fertilized eggs will grow into happy little, implantable embryos. But certainly I'm not going to have more embryos than the number of follicles, so it's nice to know the maximum I can hope for.

For some reason, this gave me performance anxiety. I actually had a stress dream about it, in which I didn't have enough follicles, and took the wrong doses of medication, and generally just acted like an idiot. But it came from somewhere real. If I didn't get enough, was it my fault? Again, that senseless attempt to control something beyond me.

Anyway, I went in and the doctor did the ultrasound and he said, "everything looks great." And while that should have been enough for me, of course it wasn't. So I had to ask, "How many follicles are there?" And he counted at least 8 on each side.

It's good when you remember to appreciate the small stuff. I swear I felt like it was my birthday today. Sixteen. Sixteen candles--that's a big deal. For me, sixteen follicles.