Make That a Big Fat Probably Not

So of course, I haven't been able to keep myself out of the fertility forums and such, searching "low beta" or "low beta 8dpt5dt" (8 days past 5 day transfer) or "low beta and pregnant." And the verdict is--pray for a miracle. It seems most women with this problem either have a chemical pregnancy, a miscarriage, or an ectopic pregnancy.

So maybe, just pray that I don't have an ectopic pregnancy. That if it isn't going to stick, that it becomes clear quickly. I don't want to get false hope, I don't want to have to go through some traumatic surgery. So I hope I go in on Sunday and my numbers look textbook good, keep rising, keep me on the right track, suprise everyone so that the nurse will say something like, "it looks like you have a late bloomer!" or I go in Sunday and am told that I can stop the madness, the stress, the daily progesterone shots. I can go back to bed, and bawl my head off.

I did pee on a stick today, and it was faintly positive. Better than yesterday, when it was only positive if you held it in direct sunlight and squinted through one eye and stood on one foot. Today there is a line there, for sure, which means the level rose enough to make that beautiful pink dye bleed.

But still, we can't all expect to be the one for whom it goes unexpectedly and suprisingly right, because we deserve it. Because deserving it--the lesson I've been trying to learn for the past two years, trying to accept--deserving it has fuck all to do with actually getting pregnant.

It was so hard to call loved ones yesterday to say, "I'm pregnant but don't get excited." I mean, I had to call people, they all knew what was going on, but of course they're all excited. "Cautiously pregnant" means nothing to them. Pregnant is pregnant is pregnant. Or not.