Free to be One Crazy Pregnant Lady

You know, I am absolutely certain that if I ever do get pregnant, I am going to rate higher than average on the neurotic-pregnant-lady scale. Because it's taken so much to get here, I'm really worried (already--I'm not even there! There's still a question whether it will happen!) that staying there will be more stressful for me than for the average pregnant lady. Not that losing a pregnancy is easy for anyone, by any means. But I do think there's probably an added layer to it when you know you might not get another shot at it, that even if you do it could take years and many procedures and lots of money.

One thing that's hard about listening to new parents discuss pregnant women is the level of judgment they can't keep from their voices. "Oh, she had an epidural?" "I ran a marathon while I was pregnant. Heavy exercise makes you feel great." "I didn't eat ham or sushi or ribs or drink any wine." This is usually from someone who had an easy pregnancy, never struggled to get pregnant and never lost one.

That won't be me. I'll be the woman on the other end, the woman who says, "I'll do whatever the hell I want if it makes me feel okay about this situation." I wouldn't consider a home birth, for example, not only because I wouldn't want to have to clean up that mess in my own house, but because if something goes wrong, I want a doctor right there. And I mean right there. I will exercise, but I'm not going to push myself too hard, just to be safe. Yes, I realize I can't shake an embryo loose, if one ever decides to attach and grow. But I'm not allowed to exercise starting today, a week prior to egg retrieval, and I guess if the experts are worried about not exercising too much, it doesn't hurt me to go easy on myself too.

Sometimes I wish the judgmental folks would just come out and say what they mean, though. "I don't think people should have epidurals, because there's an element of risk, and having a baby without drugs is natural, and natural is better." Or, "I don't want to take any risks with what I eat or drink, because I'm afraid it could harm the baby or if something went wrong I'd feel guilty about it, even if there was no direct link."

If people were more honest, then when they said to me, "You should exercise if you want to," or "the risks are shown to be higher among women who have their babies in hospitals versus at home," I could turn to them and serenely say, "Yes, but did you wait two horrible years and pay (at least) $20,000 to have your baby?" I think these things give me the right to be neurotic as I want to be. If someone (a new mom, most frequently) disagrees, I hope they at least have the guts to say so.