Why This Blog Is Anonymous

I really, really wish I could tell you who I am. Seriously, I do. I guess there’s the whole crazy cyberstalker thing, but even with that, I’d still tell you, because one of the worst things about infertility is the shame you associate with it, as if you did it to yourself. Like you’d crack your own eggs and scramble them on purpose.

I hate that feeling, hate that other women have that feeling. And if you ask anyone who’s talked to me for 30 seconds (cumulatively) in the last year and a half, you know I’m not shy about screaming “I’m infertile! No babies!” to make it clear I don’t think it’s my fault, that I shouldn’t be made to think it’s my fault. I know that announcing this to the world isn’t for everyone, but I feel right about the decision. As you can probably guess, I’m not very private, either.

As far as telling everyone who I am though, the problem is that, while I must emphasize that my job is in no way glamorous, it is somewhat public. Like if you googled my name (a fairly unique one), you’d get stuff. And I figure someone looking for my work-related stuff would rather not hear my fertility escapades. The feeling is mutual.

And infertility is the story here. Not getting pregnant. Not being pregnant, or having a baby, or being a mom. No one needs another blog about how funny it is get stretch marks and swollen feet, not see your toes, constantly feel like you’re about to pee your pants. We all get that pregnancy can be funny. Infertility, not so much.

When I first started going through it, I couldn’t have written the stuff I’m ready to laugh about now. At the beginning it just felt horrible and lonely and painful. But I’ve been struggling with it for a year and a half. Eventually, you get sick of crying when your period starts. You stop thinking, “When am I going to get pregnant?” and start thinking “How am I going to learn to live with this without going crazy?”

And pretty soon, I’ll be at the end of it. There’s something to be grateful for right there. IVF is on the horizon in the next few months. At the end, I may get pregnant, I may not. But I’ll have taken the road as far as I can. Hopefully, I’ll be laughing the whole way.