Ain't No Such Thing as Karma

So it's Father's Day. The last two Father's Days and Mother's Days, I've hoped, secretly (or maybe not so secretly) to be able to tell my parents, "Hey, guess what? Pretty soon you'll be a grandparent." Not so this year, again.

I have to admit, it's kind of a downer not to be able to celebrate for yourself or your partner on days like this, even though you're still enjoying yourself and happy for the person you're celebrating. (I get tired of explaining this--to all you content parents out there, especially the ones who feel guilty when your friends aren't pregnant: happy for you and sad for me can happen at the same time. If I can tell the difference, and I'm the sad one, you should be able to too.) It sort of reminds me of a few months ago, when we gave a baby shower for our good friends, J and M. We were totally happy to do it--they're great friends (and they've since had a great baby; we love him!). But it turned out that the day of the shower was around the time I was supposed to ovulate, and I was going in for an IUI. Following Dr. F's instructions, I had to pee on my stick in the afternoon. At the baby shower. Which wasn't at my house. That was kind of crappy--celebrating a baby for someone else, while wondering if you're going to maybe get a shot at making one with the help of a doctor, after over a year of trying.

It also turned out that this was the month of the disastrous IUI attempt that involved an unfriendly cervix and a painful game of thread the needle (described here). That month convinced me I don't believe in karma. Because we threw a great shower and celebrated the new parents, I peed on my stick in the privacy and humiliation of their bathroom, and our reward was the pain and disappointment that only a resistant cervix can cause.

Today ,we'll have another Father's Day without being parents, and we'll grin and be genuinely happy. But inside, there's a little part that will hurt and wonder, "Hey, what did we do to deserve this?"